It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog, but I almost feel like this one wrote itself. It’s been bouncing around in my head for quite some time, and seems to develop more and more every weekend. So, I finally sat down and let the words flow.
I know I’m not the only mom who feels she never, ever does enough. Even when I do as much as I can, even when I scarcely pause to breathe during the weekend, even when I never stop moving, it’s not enough. There’s still more I should have done. More I could have done. I’m not just being hard on myself. I’m confronted by the truth of this every time I glance around my house and, instead of taking pride in how much I accomplished, I grimace at the evidence of all I did NOT accomplish.
This weekend has been a great example. I did a lot. Really, I did! But it wasn’t enough. I washed all the laundry (including the sheets and towels), did the grocery shopping, cooked two homemade dinners (spaghetti with meat sauce and jambalaya with smoked sausage), did a load of dishes, knocked out some PR work for one of my clients, helped my family take down our Christmas tree and all the holiday decorations (finally!), spent three hours working with Reese on her virtual school assignments from last week and submitting them, took photos of some furniture I’ve been meaning to sell and listed it on a few online sale sites, picked Reese up from Mathnasium and went with her to her Girl Scouts meeting, caught up with my mom in Missouri on the phone, paid several bills (including the renewal of my car tags and driver’s license), finally sent my nephew’s (belated!) birthday card and gift, did some light cleaning (wiping things down, vacuuming), ran by the pharmacy, and spent some quality “girl time” with Reese at her request – baking from-scratch cupcakes, painting her nails for her, and watching the live-action “Mulan” film on Disney Plus. Thank goodness we had no dance or soccer obligations this weekend -- that always makes things even crazier.
For all intents and purposes, I packed a lot into two days, right? But it was not enough! And I feel guilty. Now, here we are on Sunday night and I look around and see undusted tables and shelves, unfolded laundry, clutter (books, toys, unopened mail) everywhere, an un-mopped kitchen floor, two bathrooms that haven’t been cleaned in over a week, packages I’ve been meaning to seal up and drop at the Post Office for weeks, an unreturned Amazon purchase, a car tire that needs airing up, closets that need purging and reorganizing, window blinds that need to be taken down for a deep cleaning, filthy baseboards, a refrigerator bursting with “science projects” that need to be thrown out. Well, you get the idea. I didn’t even get CLOSE to doing everything I NEED to do.
I hate this feeling of doing the bare minimum of what you need to in order to just get by. I want get it ALL done! Who are these people with perfect, orderly houses? And folded, put-away laundry? And manicured, landscaped yards? And Pinterest-worthy décor? Who are they and how do they do it and why can’t I be like them? I’m so tired of not doing nearly enough and being embarrassed about it. I worry someone will pop by unexpectedly and see my house looking like a hurricane ripped through it, and they’ll think, “Geez, does she do anything?! That place is a disaster!” Who would believe that I literally never STOP doing things?! But I swear it’s the truth.
But what can a mom do? Give up sleep? I feel like that’s the only way I’d really be able to clear this backlog and stay on top of things from here on out. And heaven forbid I take an hour or two for myself – I love it and hate it so much! If I spend an early-morning hour (before everyone gets up) drinking coffee on the couch while listening to my audio book, I am as happy as a clam … but I know I’ll despise myself for it later. When I desperately need an hour to tackle a chore or something unexpected comes up that requires my attention, I’ll want that “coffee hour” back so bad and I’ll curse myself for not using my time better. I fluctuate back and forth between the “I deserve a little time” mentality and the “use every second you can to get things done” sense of urgency.
Has anyone actually managed to solve this equation? If so, I’ll pay to enroll in your program! Teach me your ways so that I may rule sovereignly over a blissful domestic kingdom without feeling like an inadequate, burnt-out failure. OK, well now I feel guilty for taking 30 minutes to write this blog, so I better go scrub something. 😩
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